For reading this post, you deserve a shot.
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I’ve really known what it feels like to be disappointed with yourself. Or if I did, it had been long enough to forget it. This year is has been killing me, mentally, physically, and even emotionally - but that last one I brought upon myself. I’m scared for next year. Scared that I might not be able to do it to a level I want - a level I always achieved. I used to be smart, now I’m just a smartass.
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Yet, I can’t find the reason for my moodiness. It seems every little thing brings me down and it takes a lot to cheer me up.
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All I Ever Wanted - Basshunter
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“You have a hole in your heart, I had a hole in my lung - yours doesn’t let you love, mine always takes my breath away.”
-Me to Zeek -
-Zeek (good friend of mine from college)
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-Old School
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Mornings are the worst thing in the world. I wake up thinking of her. Wanting to text to her, to talk to her, and remembering the good times we’ve had together. Then onward to realizing it’s never going to be the same. She’s fine, happy, and I’m broken and torn. My feelings don’t matter one bit, and she probably doesn’t care. She’s having fun with her other friends and I don’t even run through her mind while I’m trying to find ways to get her off my mind.
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And now I’m sitting here in this slightly chilly weather, atop a bench surrounded by crispy leaves, wondering about the future. She’s so unlike any girl I’ve ever met. She’s fun, she’s beautiful, she’s hardworking, charming, and best of all she makes me so happy. She’s a lot of work - high maintenance - as they would say. But every moment I can help her out with something - anything; from handing her a pen, walking her back safely in the middle of the night, staying up late to provide her company while she works, to making her smile as wide as possible when she’s had a terrible day - it makes me feel so good. Anything I can do to make her world better, makes my world all worth it. It makes me a little more than insignificant, a little ounce of importance rushes into me. And I love that feeling.
And so now it’s over. Probably for good - because she’s bored. Bored of the relationship, and likely by transitive property: bored of me. The leaves that surround me kind of define the current situation: dead. Insignificant enough to be trampled on, to be stepped on by people moving forward in their lives. What once was alive no longer has that spark of life. It no longer relinquishes its warmth, its colours, its fragrance to the world. The world (her, in this metaphor) tramples over those dead leaves and walks. Walks to new heights, to new trees, to new leaves.
So I guess the question remains now, what do I do? I can’t stop loving her. I can’t stop caring about her; worrying about her every second. Reminiscing over the memories of a world in which we enjoyed each other’s company. A world in which all we did was smile - a world that no longer exists. I either try to stay in her life - and take the pain of seeing her okay while im torn, or I avoid her - and take the pain of missing her.
Either way, I’m the only one getting hurt.
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where I just can’t seem to be happy. I’m not sad, nor upset. Nor am I angry or mad. I’m just not happy. I guess I’m not content either. This is weird. I don’t like it. Everything in my life is going smoothly, and really well. I have everything I want, and yet my mind still finds reasons to be discontent.
